How to know yourself-43: Unlocking Self-Understanding Through Writing

Today’s Questions:

• Does writing help? Does it actually do something for you?
• Have the secrets you’ve put down on paper hurt anyone—directly or indirectly? Have they distanced people from your life?
• Have the secrets you’ve kept to yourself created conflicts—either with others or within yourself? Do you regret it? And if so, did that regret come immediately or only after confrontation?
• Have any of your secrets or withheld truths ruined a good relationship? How much do you blame yourself for that?
• Why do we keep secrets at all?

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We actually started reflecting on the first question in the previous post. Sometimes you simply can’t find the right person to talk to. Other times, you don’t even want to talk because it’s hard enough just to admit things to yourself. That alone can put you under unnecessary stress—often without you even realizing it. While your mind is already full, you’re also carrying the emotional weight of these unspoken truths. This is where writing can become a powerful outlet.

Sometimes the truth hurts. Confrontation is difficult, but in the long run, it reveals just how unnecessary much of that stress was.

So, if it’s all so painful… why do we still keep secrets?

Maybe it’s a kind of survival instinct. We live in a world where we overshare so much with others, live on the edge of societal norms, and create digital personas that we ourselves struggle to keep up with. Meanwhile, the real “you” behind all that still exists—and eventually demands to be faced. Our desire for social acceptance pulls us further away from who we really are, encouraging us to hide more and more within.

That’s why this series is titled “How Do You Know Yourself?” Because this isn’t just another personal growth exercise. It’s a journey of self-trust and self-actualization.

Think of Maslow’s hierarchy of needs. Self-actualization only comes after many other life layers have been fulfilled. Yet many people spend their whole lives chasing basic needs, drifting away from themselves. Our goal is to stop viewing this journey as a distant goal and start treating it as a constant part of who we are—to remain true to ourselves, no matter what.

Back to secrets: while most are trivial, some do affect our daily lives and relationships. That’s when we should really ask—is it worth it? Even if you never share a secret, simply reflecting on why you kept it might help you avoid future missteps in your social life.

A secret doesn’t have to be monumental. It could be a momentary opinion you held back or your true feelings about a relationship. So what hurts more—keeping that inside, or letting it fester to the point that it alienates a partner or friend who once loved and respected you?

It’s worth thinking about. Because whether you mean to or not, unspoken secrets can leak out as passive-aggressive behavior. You might even convince yourself that you’re acting this way to protect the other person.

But humans, like all systems, are made of inputs and outputs. Every input has an output—be it energy, motivation, anger, stress, anxiety, hatred, or just mental clutter. The fact that these are abstract doesn’t mean they vanish when we keep them inside.

If we treated time like money, and thoughts like food, we might be more mindful of what we consume and what we hold in. That awareness could bring us closer to becoming physically, mentally, and emotionally healthier versions of ourselves—versions who are finally self-actualized.